Well, I guess I'm bored and I felt like I had to update my journal entry for some reason.
So, the place I'm from, Baguio, is having an event we call, Panagbenga.
I feel like walking around. I went out and did the other day, but I usually take a common stroll around the closed-off road full of stalls almost everyday at this time of the event of the year.
I'm still waiting for tomorrow to go out again.
There was a stall selling pretty, handmade flowers and such. I'm going to buy a few and make them into a wreath, the rest for future decoration or photography.
I feel like walking alone, but for now, my family won't allow me, so I'm kind of upset about it. But anyways, it's alright. It's not because of the anxiety thing though, just something else. And I don't like it.
I don't go out as much as I did in some times last year so I'm kind of uncomfortable with the crowd this time. I kind of want to not walk alone there. I'm starting to get shyer and more anti-social all over again.
But I want to walk alone too. I haven't been alone for quite a long time, and it's kind of wrecking to me. Sadly, I have to wait. It's vexing.
I'm kind of bored, and I feel kind of afraid.
I've completely convinced myself that I am suffering anxiety, but not too bad and controlled enough as not to disrupt with how I live.
I'm not planning on changing that as for some reason, it makes me a bit happier knowing I am.
The thing that gets annoying is when my breathing pattern gets problematic and I need to take weird, sharp breaths until I feel satisfied with it.
It's like I'm trying touch my throat with air to a particular way that makes me feel better.
Then the immense worry I get for no reason.
I'm not one who easily is scared of things, but the anxiety makes me feel afraid of something I don't know.
Then I start crying almost uncontrollably.
I don't like that part of it, the last two things.
But being the overly contented person I am, I like it, at half of the parts.
But anyways, yea.
I feel kind of sad these days.
I hate how people always want me to be normal, conventional, and other things like that.
It's been going on for a long time, actually, but it's worse these days.
They accept me being weird but they don't like how I can get too unusual. But I like myself for that, and it hurts how people have to get mad at me for it. They get mad at me for it.
I know it's a little too weird for some things I like, like how I enjoy to have a minor mental illness and how I kind of have a preference for people who are a tad bit crazy. Then there are a lot more stuff about me which is kind of difficult for others to keep up with, and I know I'm kind of anti-social.
We're all kind of crazy in different levels anyways, right? It's not THAT weird. But as it shows, it is not that weird for people who at least think like me.
I don't want to follow them. I really don't. I go easy on weird when I'm with people unlike me, but it's still so hard for them to accept, it seems. I accept them as they are, as conventional, and all the things that make them themselves, but I can't expect that to be reciprocated. But must they be ashamed to know me for that? Indirectly, what they said actually meant that they are embarrassed that I am how I am. That's cruel, at least for people who accept others easily, perhaps.
I'm alright with it. What I am not alright with is that they have to get mad at me for it, they scold me because of it, and I always have to cry because of that.
It hurts. It really does.
But I understand. That's it. I always have to understand.
But it might not be so bad.
What's probably more heartbreaking for me is if my favourite cup would break.
It's a cute cup with a pitiful looking whale with onomatopoeia text stating, "Shuwa~"
The back says Mother Goose No Mori.
I'm never going to voluntarily throw that cup away.
It's a bit funny, really. Ever since I got that cup, I never really stopped using it.
There are the occasional moments I use another cup, but then I get right back to it as it sits quietly on the table.
Maybe it's just that special because I also tend to anthropomorphise things.
And the cup just makes me happy somehow. It's nice using things you're fond of. It makes you happier.
But then, can't people just feel it. I know other people do. That there's some things strangely alive about everything?
I mean, you can even sense if a house feels sad, or a doll, and other things.
Trees are more acceptable for some as it is a living thing, but other things too like rocks. I mean stones are quite alive in a way.
They have energies, and that's probably what I mean about alive for inanimate objects.
Besides, there are some times when you talk negatively about an object and positively about another of the same kind, chances are, you'll see the one spoken negatively about deteriorate quicker.
Yea, I've probably convinced a lot of you that I am crazy.
I got a cat around a week ago, a black cat.
He's a lovely little thing. I named him Hades. Most of my photos are about him these days.
I was thinking of naming him either Cicero or Kefka, but I just went with that.
It's sad though that I feel bad for adopting him. Quite for several days now.
Like, someone else who could provide better things for him and love him more and give more attention could have adopted him instead.
I'm starting to feel afraid, especially thinking that I might get tired of him, even if I know I'll never abandon him.
I just can't do that. To abandon something that's already accustomed to me and depends on me. Seeing how peaceful and contented he is to sleep by my side.
Sometimes I think of finding someone better to adopt him, but then I always think of what I just previously stated. Then I wonder, could they really take better care of him?
I already know him quite well, and if I were to just give him away, would they know how to take care of him just the same way? Would they treat him better, or would they hit him if he does something wrong?
Then I would think that, maybe he's one thing that just might never leave me, perhaps. At least I know, there's someone that won't judge me I guess. As long as he's alive, perhaps.
But people unintentionally make me feel bad about getting him. I know, I'm overdoing it with my thinking, but I can't. I just need to think that way.
These days, at least. I don't think this badly before.
Although, sometimes, I feel like Hades has gotten tired of me. Yea, it kind of sounds a bit overboard with the negativity, but I don't know. He doesn't lick my hand like he did the first days, and a few other things he did, before we tried training him to sleep alone. I don't know. But Hades is a very affectionate cat, not as aloof as others. So it makes me wonder.
I keep crying thinking about it. I feel so incompetent. I know I shouldn't think of myself that way, but I don't know. I just am, and I'm making myself do that.
But it's starting to get better I guess. I'm not crying right now, but it will come back. I don't know when.
I know I'm keeping him. I really will. But I just feel afraid.
Yea, I'm probably depressed and suffering anxiety.
I need to take a walk.
I wonder when, though. Feels like a long time.
I might have to wait until next year.
I hate it. I really do.
Listening to: Sounds around me
Reading: My Words
Watching: Not watching right now
Eating: Just ate. Tuna, Rice, Squid. I love squid
Drinking: Ginseng Coffee